But it's not the same feeling miserable when you have a toddler around. Normally I would want to wallow in self pity, and I do have to admit that on ThursdayI spent Zach's nap time in bed, binge watching Gilmore Girls. Sometimes you've just gotta listen to your heart, you know? But when he's awake there's no time to mope.
He's so full of energy, moving at approximately 34827 miles an hour. He likes to climb: onto the sofa, the coffee table, his high chair, his pushchair, the dining table and even the TV stand. He likes to run around and spin in circles getting dizzy. And whilst I have been using Thomas the Tank Engine as a babysitter a little too often this week, I still need to be there, actively parenting the rest of the time.
So on Friday, when 5pm rolled around, I strapped him into his pushchair and took him out. The weather was glorious (obviously, because it was a work day) and I knew we both needed some fresh air and a run around. On our walk to the park I stopped, got out my camera, pointed it at him and asked him to 'say cheeeese!', and this is the face I got:
There is nothing I love more than seeing his little face light up with the biggest smile. For a boy who looks so much like his dad, that smile is most definitely from me. Just like his mama he looks exactly like the cheesy grin emoji; you know which one I mean! And in that moment, seeing my baby smiling his biggest smile, I instantly felt a million times better.
No matter how down I'm feeling, there will always be a source of joy in my life now that Zach is part of it. He lifts me up, puts everything in perspective, and reminds me that I need to keep my shit together. Of course, I will still have days where I feel miserable, I'm sure everyone does. But, since I became a mum I've changed from a glass is half empty to a glass is half full kind of girl, and if something as simple as a grin can improve my mood so much, I can't wait to find out how uplifting it is when he says the words "I love you mummy".
That boy has my whole heart, and his smile makes my world turn.